I've always resorted to writing every time I was in a tough place. It's a bit surprising to me since I struggled with reading and writing ever since I was 5. I still remember my teacher setting up a parent-teacher meeting to let them know that I'm behind in English and that if they weren't using the check plus, check, check minus method, it would show a grade of D minus which is basically failing. That story stayed with me all the way to college which is why I decided to pursue an engineering degree despite having little to no interest in many of the sciences outside of chemistry. Now that I am in my 30s and I made it past undergraduate studies and landed jobs that pay enough for a nice standard of living I find myself wondering what life would have been like if I was brave enough to take on a major in humanities or social sciences. Don't get me wrong, our society still seems to favor STEM majors, but now that I'm unemployed, I wonder if I were to reset my pathway and pursue the things I may not easily excel in, but have true interest and passion in whether I will be able to provide a desired standard of living and spend the majority of my days looking forward to what life has in store for me! The possibility is so exciting. Just being able to give myself a shot at this is something I'm so thankful to have.
I am journaling and blogging my thoughts to create a time capsule of where I am now so that someday I can look back at how much I've grown. I have confidence that I'll look back on these posts someday probably cringing a bit at my poor grammar and heavy use of run-on sentences, but mostly grateful to my younger self for the courage to take intentional time to set myself up for the person I want to be and the life I want to live despite the real feeling of fear, doubt, and directionlessness.
The person I want to be and the life I want to live aren't even articulated yet! All I know is that there has to be a way to find what I love and let it create a passion in me that can also help me put food on the table and keep a roof over my family's heads. I'd go as far as to say that I believe and hope that what I love will surpass my expectations in what it can provide in terms of material wealth as well as emotional wealth and community.
It's time to write myself a new story. Journaling is to get the dizziness and messiness of my head into a tangible form to digest. I might not even digest it. I might just let it hang there. An outlet for my mind. When I was in elementary school, after a huge argument with my parents, I'd slam my bedroom door, cry, and tear a piece of paper or get scrap paper and scribble out what I was feeling. Several days or weeks will pass by and I'll see these scraps of paper with words indented on the page with my number 2 pencil to emphasize my anger saying how much I had hated [Fill In the Blank of a Person]. It made me laugh because I always remembered the feeling of overwhelming anger, the gritting of my teeth, and the pressure cooker feeling that needed to release steam, but I never wrote down the context and why what someone said was so hurtful or so wrong. In the heat of the moment, I always believed I'll never forget the hurt and the context of why certain words said to me was hurtful. Then I'd go to my bed and cry it out into my pillow. All my pillows have tear stains. I loved those cathartic release sighs that just automatically come out after being tired out from crying and throwing all my emotions at a piece of paper. After time passes, I have no recollection of what exactly made me so hurt or angry and then I'll throw these scraps of paper away. It's ironic because I'm positive I wanted to write it out to keep a record of the wrongs since I knew my memory would not serve me as well.
Over time, I got better at detailing the context of moments that provides all types of emotions. I'm not religious about journaling, but I often find myself having to carry a notebook that I can write in wherever I go. Sometimes I have learning journals or book summary journals. None of them ever get filled all the way before I misplace it or just feel like starting another journal. When Henry and I got married we started detailing out our new year goals every year in my journal. We'd revisit those goals at the end of the year before creating our next year's goals. Although we've gotten out of the swing of that practice, I always loved looking at all our hopes and what items we've accomplished. The ones we usually accomplished were ones related to travel to a new country, state, or national park.
It's truly hard to know what your joy is, but if I were to really look at my life there have always been clues to what makes my heart sing and what I'd want to spend most of my time doing. Things like: Articulation of thought & concepts. Cooking. Eating. Drinking. Singing. Dancing. Exploring the wonders of the world. Things that people put their minds, hearts, and souls into and share with the world. The issue is none of these things I've listed above I thought could or would generate income or enough income to sustain a standard of living in the Bay Area. The stories you hear of others are something that only happens to "other people". It's like that limiting belief that many have about the "starving artist". I've believed that we have to do the things we don't care much for in order to do the things that we really want. Unfortunately, I haven't found the right balance. I spent most of my time doing things I don't care much for believing in a promise that I made up for myself that it will give me "more money" to afford what I want, "recognition" as a trusted asset for "job security", and "more freedom" to do what I want within reason like the flexibility to take a daughter to the doctor without worrying about not earning my keep. One thing I've learned through slogging it in my professional career is that I'm always willing to put in the work and that I am very diligent. So why not be diligent for me and figure out how to spend most of my life doing what I love? Why can't I figure out how to make a profitable business? Or can I? ...
As a test of life itself. I'd like to spend this undefined duration of a break before I have to find some type of job to keep bills paid:
blogging my journey
learning cooking techniques (Subscribed to MasterClass for Dominque Crenn, Dominique Ansel, Joanna Chang, Thomas Keller...)
making amazing cocktails (ABC Bartending Class & Certification started February 2022)
recording myself singing a few covers of songs that make me emote
take a hip-hop dancing class
find the score for Pixar's Up & learning to play it on the piano
creating a business plan for my 3rd space
doing a few home items that I put off because it's never "urgent" to do things like figure out life insurance, set up a will or trust, fix that bathtub faucet, and fix that 4-way lightswitch
learn to make candles or soap
visit a farm
Maybe I'll become an expert on one or many of these things and feel excited about being able to share this with others!
So Head Up, Crown On as Robin Arzon would say.
Cover Picture Notes: I've been wanting to visit Crater Lake, but never made plans. One morning I asked Henry and within 30 mins we were in the car just driving north. Thank God for smartphones and the ability to figure things out on the way. We were probably in a hurry because we knew we needed to get there before sundown. We brought our usual travel snacks: hot cheetos and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! The result was beautiful. I was underdressed because I didn't know it would still have snow in May. Sometimes we can't be prepared for everything on the road ahead, but if we move forward we surprise ourselves with the unimaginable possibilities of beauty and find out it's easy to improvise along the way. I've seen pictures of Crater Lake, but just like how I felt about Banff, nothing compares to seeing it in person. I guess I can look at other people's pictures of success, but nothing will compare to giving myself a shot at it and maybe someday being in that place and looking back at my younger self to say you made it!
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