Dear Girls,
Mama is a girly girl. Mama does not like to admit that. Abigail, you are three and it's been over a year of you saying no to all the gender-neutral clothes I chose for you. Even on the coldest of days, you ask for the pinkest, puffiest, and most sparkly dress to wear to preschool. My mother (your PoPo) reminded me that was me when I was little too. Really? I forgot about this girl who was just like you too. The girl who was once whimsical and imaginative and loved pretend play and dress-up. If I were to be honest, I spent most of my days with my inner voice criticizing how I looked and always seeking outward affirmation and approval.
In my awkward teenage years, I swung from wanting to be a tomboy to being a bit more girly. Being athletic was cool, but being one of the boys was not cool. Ghetto fabulous was a thing. Matching from head to toe was a thing. It's funny now, but still a little embarrassing to think back on. During my college years, I embraced the athleisure life before it became the norm during the COVID era because my badge of honor was studying for a major that did not seem "feminine". Then like most millennials who did not enter the tech sector, business casual was the dress code, so I embraced high heels, and modest, but feminine blouses with pencil skirts every day. Wow. Over 2 decades spent trying to impress, to be seen, and to be accepted.
Finally, I entered the magical mid-30s, I saw a post on Instagram of a woman admitting that her self-talk during her younger years was extremely self-critical while she was the most beautiful during all those years and that she let those decades go by with little self-love. I cried. Someday you two will go through life, wondering if you're too fair or tanned. Too skinny or fat. Too short. Too clumsy. Too emotional. Too [fill in the blank]. What if you were all of these things and beautiful?
Believe it.
No matter what you are beautiful. There's only one of you in the entire universe. No one is a better you. No one is a more beautiful YOU. Because you're you, you're beautiful.
I learned that part of growing up is learning to see ourselves plainly and accepting ourselves. This will be especially hard for you, Abigail, as the firstborn and most likely fellow perfectionist in our family. I hope it is easier for you Allison!
Lately, I see wrinkles on my forehead and there are days I accept them as my laughing lines. There are days I am extra disciplined about a nighttime skin routine as I see the crazy dark circles under my eyes from sleep deprivation. There are days I see the bulgy part of my stomach that hangs over my pants, but I am still proud of the lines I can see from my ab muscles. I once felt like if I didn't look at people they would also not look at me and my embarrassingly thick rooster-like baby hairs from postpartum hair loss. This time after having Allison, I am finally rocking the middle part that accentuates my big forehead with a low ponytail because it makes me look like a hippie goddess with my boho dress. There are good days and bad days. I pray that the majority of your days are good days full of kindness to yourself and inner strength stemming from your character.
The world will try to define us. It is just like the book we read about the wooden people who gives each other gold stars or gray dots every day. I'm sorry to say that church people like to hand out gray dots the most. I pray you find a church that accepts you as you are and does not waste time handing out gold stars or gray dots.
Don't let any of your mistakes define you. Your character is intact, even when it does not feel like it. Mistakes are mistakes. They will happen. Sometimes the same ones over and over again. We are forgetful and have to keep learning. That's okay. Keep learning.
You will be scared someday when you make a mistake. Sometimes the fear from the first mistake will cause you to make even more mistakes afterwards and you will head into a downward spiral and feel completely overwhelmed. This can last for some time. It will feel horrible and hopeless. You will want to hide or isolate yourself.
Remember who you are. You are a child of God. Cherished. You have great potential and you can always do better. Don't give up and do better, one step at a time. It's not a race. Take the time you need and keep taking one step at a time. I wish I could walk all the hard paths for you. Be brave. Reach out. The scariest thing is to reach out, but it's the first step. Don't wait until you're ready to reach out, you will never be ready. Just do it.
The worst thing is to be rejected and shamed after reaching out. Learn to stay away from those people. Mama will let you choose your friends because you need to learn to surround yourself with the right people. The right people will hold you while you are in the storm. They may not know what to do because the truth is, no one can walk your path, you still have to walk it on your own, but you don't have to be alone. Read that again.
All mistakes are something for you to recognize and let go of. Just like the impurities in the ore of gold get burned off and continuously refined. When you let go of the impurities, you become more of your true self and the person God designed you to be.
Invest more time in your inner beauty by being loving, kind, patient, slow to anger, joyful, forgiving, and gracious. Don't forget to wear sunblock every day. Spending time on your outer beauty by eating healthy, working out, and wearing makeup to enhance your God-given beauty is self-love and not something to neglect.
I love you girls. I pray that you learn to accept yourself sooner and more often than not as you enter different life stages. The sooner your cup is full, the sooner you share that love with others. I pray that you choose the right friends. These are friends who prioritize loving kindness and building their character. Girls. That is True Beauty.
Love,
Mama
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