Today was a chill day. My dear Abigail promoted me to the title "Mama" the day she was born and I am forever grateful for this new stage of life. This new experience truly bonds you to all Mamas out there. Henry let me sleep in and try to get the baby to sleep all morning so I can have some me-time. We've gotten our 2nd shot this past Wednesday, but have been very cautious about going out for Abigail's sake. We make very few exceptions. In fact, most things we do are only outdoors if we do anything at all. All our groceries are delivered, we get delivered take out every week, and I am dying to get a pedicure. Just 10 more days for the vaccine to be 95% effective! The cabin fever is soooo real! We've been playing it safe as soon as we found out COVID-19 restrictions for labor and delivery only allow you, one support COVID-free person. During Thanksgiving in 2020 when COVID-19 cases spiked, we became cautious to the nth degree, hardly seeing anyone including family (my brother). It's been almost half a year! Will we even remember how to be social anymore? We are barely social with each other with our new lifestyle as new parents. Henry and I take shifts to take care of baby, so he goes to bed at 8:30 PM and then we switch off at around 3:30 AM and I go to bed around 3:40 AM to 10 AM. Basically, I have baby for at least 17 hours of a 24 hour day if not more.
Yesterday we celebrated my cousin Jonathan's wedding and it was a simple and beautiful wedding despite the COVID-19 restrictions. California is about to reopen completely, but it still has very limited capacity for group gatherings. The good news is indoor dining is back since many in the Bay Area have already been fully vaccinated! Between Henry and I, he's more conservative about safety and I'm a bit more of a risk-taker, so I'm very thankful that we both landed on the decision of going to the wedding despite the fact that it had only been 3 days since our 2nd shot. Side Note - we got the Pfizer shot, which we totally endorse since the only symptoms were a mild sore arm where the shot was administered and a bit of fatigue for a day.
I have to admit, today started out very rough even though Henry had the best of intentions. There were a lot of tears on my part mainly because every day I look forward to waking up to seeing Henry and the baby. But Henry did not come up today. For some, of you Mama's out there, you know what that also means if you get more than 4 hours of sleep with a newborn, it means that I am engorged and need to release the milk badly. Normally, I naturally wake up due to the pain well before 10 AM, but I was so exhausted that I did not wake up until my alarm blared on. It also didn't help that we diverged from Abigail's normal schedule and it took a very long time to put her to sleep. She didn't have her daily bath, did not wear her sleepsuit, and was completely undressed from the dress she wore to the wedding due. She was overtired and cried the whole time trying to go to sleep. So tired that she did not end up feeding her twice a night or more feeds, but just once.
I struggle to grab my ladybug Haakaas and slap them on right away. Then after checking out Instagram for the first ten minutes to see if Henry left me a cute note on Abigail's instagram, I was sorely disappointed. Nothing. We manage her IG together and it's one of our favorite activities since it's full of inside jokes. Although I can't blame him, since he's the photographer and I'm the voice of Abigail as I imagine what the little babe thinks.
Then I call my mother since I was excited to wish her a happy mother's day now that I'm also a Mama. We had planned to celebrate next weekend to combine Mother's Day with my brother's birthday. It will be the first time we as a family celebrate anything all together since last year. However, I got ambushed with a ton of questions about whether I was being safe and responsible with Abigail due to the fact that we attended a wedding the day before. Soooo bummed. It's been half an hour. Where's Henry and Abigail?
I wash my face and go downstairs finding Abigail asleep in Henry's arms while he was watching Youtube. Henry puts her down in the nest and says he's going to make breakfast. He went to steam the Dumpling Time leftovers from my cousin's wedding while I empty out the Haakaas. ---Side Note, when I breastfeed, I wear these Ladybug Haakaas to catch the milk leaking from the other side and I'll get about 1 oz usually, but this morning it was 3 oz in total! oh the pain! --- Then we sit down while the food is steaming and I'm just waiting for him to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Nothing. Just some small talk and about what he did this morning talking to a former colleague that is looking for funding for a horror film she's making about pregnancy. The disappointment is overwhelming, so I go back into the room to check on Abigail. Maybe she will give Mama a smile as she so often does first thing in the morning. Great! she's awake. No smile.
Henry just starts eating first. Really? I thought. Okay, then I'll feed Abigail. Finally, he says, it's Mother's Day, maybe we can order some sushi for tonight! The tears start STREAMING down my cheeks. He knows I'm upset now. He knows he spent zero effort and thought for this day. I try to escape from the living room couch to the master bedroom and bury myself in my pillow while holding my milk-drunk baby. He rushes to my side fearful that I'd drop Abigail and attempts to comfort me as my anger in the form of tears rises with so many thoughts racing. Is it because I'm not a good mother and wife? Yesterday he joked about my postpartum belly and how people will ask if I managed to get pregnant again after I tried on all the dresses in the closet. Am I not attractive anymore? What happened to those lovely notes and drawings he makes whenever it's a special day? Is this our life now? How could he not know that this is my first mother's day? How could he not care? How could he have nothing planned when I begged him for a massage this past week and been asking every single weekend since before Abigail was born about escaping to the beach in Santa Cruz, Big Sur, or Carmel? I even told him this past week I'd like to go out and wear matching outfits with Abigail to take pictures with her. Yesterday night as we were driving back home I asked whether he got something for his mother as I've been reminding him for two weeks. He finally decided on a gift, the night before. I guess if it's late for his own mother, he probably didn't think of me as well. Then I asked him what are we doing and he just replied taxes. Could I have hinted anymore?
But that's the thing. I was hinting. I was not direct about what I wanted at all. All women, whether she's a mom or married know this feeling. Some men know this too. I'm not going to tell you what I want because it means less if you did exactly what I prescribed. Does it though? It's the lie we all believe.
After calming down and managing to stop throwing myself a pity party for just a few minutes so that the tears could just stop streaming, I got up to wash my face. Henry looks at me and puts his arms on my arms and says he's sorry and asks if we can make the best of today and get some fancy sushi dinner? He goes on to say, We can do a photoshoot with you and Abigail. I silently retract back to the bed and just said, not today, my eyes are puffy and swollen from all the crying. In my head, I thought, honestly, until you know why I am so disappointed, I'm not ready to brush this off and just enjoy the day. But I also know that it's only fair that I tell him how I feel in a way that doesn't put him in the defense and remember to use those I-statements. ugh those I-statements! Henry comes up to the bed where I was and asks whether he can sit by my side. As good parents, we are, we had left Abigail to amuse herself downstairs. Earlier I wouldn't listen, nor wanted to be near Henry as he had been saying sorry. Sorry for what? I kept remarking in my head. He then goes on to say, I am sorry I have not been a good husband and that I did not give you a massage, and I did not plan today out. I'm already feeling better that he took some time to think about what made me so upset and that I didn't need to spell it all. It's not like I wanted today to be about me, but I did want to feel appreciated since motherhood is honestly pretty exhausting and stressful. After we talked it out, he explained he thought it was best to let me sleep since he came down past 5 AM versus the normal 3:30 AM and that I needed rest (which I definitely did). He also offered to make breakfast, since I usually make brunch for him when I wake up. You could have let me rest and still come up with the baby and wish me Happy Mother's Day. That's all I truly wanted. Well ...that and a back massage. As I was feeling relief that Henry knows why I was upset, we heard Abigail coughing downstairs, and Henry pauses and looks at me, then asked permission to get baby. So silly, of him to ask permission, but so considerate of him to not just leave abruptly. "Of course! Please!" I said. He rushes to get baby as I get tissues to blow my nose and breathe out that deep comforting breath after a good cry. Henry puts baby down in the crib beside our bed and I tell him I'm going to go downstairs to eat, but he insists on giving me a 5 minute back rub. I didn't even have to ask this time! Best back rub ever. All is good in the world again.
My husband is imperfect, and so am I. I love my dear husband whose way of showing love is to start doing all the housework I dislike (washing dishes, taking out the trash, and breaking down the many boxes from all the deliveries we get, mopping the floor). Although "acts of service" is not the love language I want to receive, however, he spent that time thinking about why I was upset while I was on the couch feeding baby with my tears streaming down my cheeks. Over the course of our relationship, he learned not to be defensive and get upset when I got upset. He calmly explained that he thought he was giving me the gift of rest by not disturbing me and giving me Abigail right away. Deep down, I knew that he was thinking that when I woke up and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I guess I did think maybe, he would have planned something nice considering he was extremely busy the past few weeks. Being a brand new parent, the gift of rest is that truly is better than physical gifts, I just wish it was another time of the day so I was not so engorged! What I appreciate the most is when I was being selfish thinking "what about me", he continued to chase my heart by sticking by my side no matter how much I was pushing him away. That is love. It's loving a person when they are not being so loveable.
Happy Mother's Day to all Mamas out there! I am honored to be a part of this beautiful part of life. Now I know all moms, no matter "how bad" they think they may be at being a mom are all wonderful people who give it their best all the time due to the innate love that melts selfish tendencies away. I am so proud to join your ranks and can't wait to learn from other Mama's out there!
Deep Sigh of Relief, wet xoxo,
Rose
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