A chameleon is a really special lizard that can change its reptile skin color to blend into the background. It's beautiful in its own way because it can take on many beautiful colors. When it feels threatened it chooses to blend in and hide.
At this point, I feel like I've hidden my whole life like a chameleon to not stand out. I've always gotten in trouble when I stood out. As a child, I attended a private school that stressed conformity and wearing uniforms from K to 8th grade. In many ways, it's ingrained in my Chinese background to conform and be a part of a greater whole.
As a child, I've always believed I was special despite trying my best to be similar to everyone. Or perhaps I've always wanted to feel special and that my life would be purposeful someday I'll make it into the history books for changing the world for the better. Wanting to be special yet blending in is a conflicting internal battle that I've wrestled with for at least 30+ years.
In my early high school days, I thought I would reform the American education system since I did not think it was right that educators have such a high responsibility with shaping the nation's children yet are paid relatively low wages with little support from parents who are primarily accountable for a child's education. In my later high school days, I thought I would become an ophthalmologist because I wanted to perform surgeries as well as have a business practice. The prestige of being a medical doctor so my immigrant parents can brag to their friends and family was an added bonus of feeling less indebted to my parents. Naturally in college, it seemed like pursuing a degree in education, medicine, or business would be three paths I could take. I did neither. I got a degree in Chemical Engineering because
I was taught that engineering is for men and I wanted to prove women can do it too
It combined my favorite subjects: chemistry and math
and I thought it would impress employers enough to get me a job out of undergraduate studies
I mostly wanted to buy myself time to explore the industry and see whether something outside of the three well-trodden paths was the right one for me. Most of all I wanted to be able to travel the world while living in a big city that has a local bakery and coffee and tea shop at a walkable distance. I also wanted to live in a foreign country, learn a new language, and experience different cultures on the company's dime.
After graduating during a recession in 2010, I realized my degree was probably not the right pursuit since most of the jobs were in factories or refineries that were in the middle of nowhere away from the big city. When I returned home to the Bay Area, tech was on the rise so computer science was the most coveted degree for employers. I wasn't interested in computer science because I feared technology will change quicker than I would be able to keep up. I started work in pharmaceuticals and biotechnology, then quickly moved on to medical devices where I stayed the longest (~8 years). I stayed as long as I did not because I was particularly interested in the field. The industry was slow - very slow. I stayed because the management knew how to utilize what I did best - be a chameleon. Sometimes it was referred to as being good at "hiding in plain sight".
What does hiding in plain sight look like? It means fitting into social situations at work. It meant that I would pose a threat to others who are of higher rank or experience level despite outperforming them. I avoided roles & promotions that my colleagues coveted and focused on other areas that can create business value. I adapted to evolving business needs to obtain desired business outcomes. It meant that I was able to get along with all kinds of colleagues working in different functions at high and low ranks around the world at a global company. It wasn't always easy, but I always had advocates in high positions who trusted and sponsored me. However, the more I excelled, the harder blending in became due to unwanted attention, management pressure to rise up the ranks, and because work got a bit repetitive and boring after learning so many different aspects of a business. Rising through the ranks also meant making decisions that you have to be able to stand behind, even if that means others who work for you will have to work through all the good and bad consequences. As a young manager, I was terrified of impacting the livelihood of others since I've been through so many downsizing events. Acceptance and being liked were more important to me than power and prestige. Yet I still strived to do the best I could so that I could grow and "exceed expectations". This clashing internal value of blend but trying to be exceptional was just too much so I attempted to escape.
My first escape was unsuccessful. I quit a career in medical devices to try something new, just to land right back into it because the salary offer was too tempting. It was exactly what I thought I deserved and more. My second escape was semi-successful. I left medical devices a second time for connected fitness technology because tech companies in Silicon Valley were always boasting and taunting me in every aspect of the work-life experience. I coveted the idea of remote work, a flexible schedule, a flat management organization with fewer power struggles, snack-filled pantries when working in the office, and being less risk-averse and nimble and it was that and more. However, I kept on being a chameleon by always being the one who supported my colleagues in their career advancement, adapting my work to what only I was good at in the team even if it wasn't what I was hired for, and putting the business's needs before my needs.
I am stagnant. Stuck. Many of the roles I've considered and had informational interviews for give me a feeling of "meh - it's alright". I can see myself doing things just because it pays the bills and affords us the lifestyle we have. Outside looking in, it looks like a good lifestyle so it's hard to complain which me feel guilty for feeling "meh". We're able to afford vacations, eat what we want, and live in a relatively safe area in a geographical location that is one of the most expensive in the world. I've accepted this as a fact of life in order to put food on the table and have shelter over our heads. My postpartum depression revealed to me that I didn't want to live this way, but I knew no other way. Thankfully, my husband, Henry lives pursuing everything he loves and ends up monetizing his hobbies. What a life! This influence makes me question my assumptions about the formula of going to a recognized university, landing a career, then continually climbing that corporate ladder.
2023 I am going to quit being a chameleon and learn to truly thrive by discovering and doing what I love. I want to take time off from the professional world to explore and discover what makes my heart sing. I don't want to live my life looking to pass the time to get to Fridays and in dread of Mondays. I wish to create something that is an expression of who I am and my values. I hope to accumulate a complement of hobbies that I look forward to every single day of my life and figure out a way to sustain a living by sharing what I love with the world.
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