It's 2023! This year is going to be different. Last year I got furloughed and laid off for the first time since the startup I've been working for two years may not make it. It was a good experience though overall. I have no regrets. In fact, I am extremely excited about this year!
Reflection
In 2019, I thought I "made it" when I landed the salary I've always thought I deserved working for a big-name company. In 2020, I got married and all my bad habits of working tirelessly to "earn my keep", "prove my worth", and being a professional who is reliably available at all times (early morning, evening, weekends, on my vacations, etc) seeped into my personal relationship. It was a bit depressing, so I traded the big-name company for a seed-stage startup that same year. I made less money but felt happier since I got to apply a lot of what I know as well as shape business processes from scratch for the company to be operational and scalable. That's extremely cool if you ask someone like me who loves organizing the way something works. Then in 2021, our beautiful daughter came into our lives and it broke me. Truth is, I did not know I was struggling. I did not know that it would take away so much of my mental capacity. I did not know I would lose so much hair. I did not expect to struggle with my body image so much when I've been fairly content with myself all throughout my life despite the fact that it does not fall under "ideal" standards. I maybe expected a baby would take up some of my personal time, but I did not expect that it would consume all of my time. The time that I spent working tirelessly to be exceptional. In 2022, I learned why I am so obsessed with being exceptional. I learned why I'm terrified of failure. Anxiety, unprocessed emotional baggage, and feelings of inadequacy in every aspect of my life surfaced as I struggled to reclaim my brain and body. Why is bringing a beautiful human into the world somehow able to upend my entire world as I know it? It's been a year of therapy and it's been a rollercoaster, but I now know why I always overwork in any role I've ever taken, why I never feel good enough, why I pursue jobs or roles in a company that I know I can do, but never getting close to pursuing the life I want. In many ways, I believe that my hard work got me the life I want. It's gotten me a comfortable lifestyle where I don't sweat our spending when we eat out, get pampered, or go on vacations while living in one of the most expensive areas in the world. I'm thankful, but not particularly happy. What am I living for? I'm living to live and always looking forward to getting through the day as quickly as possible. Sometimes I don't want to blink since I can see how quickly Abigail is growing and the adorable moments come and pass too quickly. Most of the time I'm a bit sad and anxious about what I would want to spend the rest of my life doing. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be exceptional. I'm tired of trying to catch up to stay relevant and marketable. I just want to be me.
Living, but not Thriving
When people ask, what are your hobbies, or what do you want to spend your life doing? I've always hated these questions. What hobbies? I spend all my personal time learning how to excel at work so that I will always get the maximum merit increase. What would you do even if it was unpaid? Who has the luxury to just do whatever they want? What kind of question is this?! 2023 is the year that I will have the luxury to do whatever I want. It's for a limited time due to the financial constraints of our rainy-day fund. I will have the mental bandwidth for the first time to create my own happiness. I will explore the things I've written off as pursuits because I was taught it was not worthwhile or perhaps they did not carry any prestige for my immigrant parents to flaunt to their friends. I am going to be a collector. I'm going to collect all my favorite things, skills, and experiences from all over the world so that I can create my own sanctuary and share that with the world. Exciting right? That's a pursuit worth living for. I want to create my version of my "Heaven on Earth" before God takes us to greater things.
Cheers to 2023. It's going to be a great year despite the massive recession. I just know it. Let's all thrive together!
Love,
Rose
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